No Debates in India..!

“How can a candidate win an election without a debate?” asked apuzzled friend visiting India, which inspired us to have a debate for the candidates before the elections that just took place.

“Your speech will make the difference!” said the moderator we had picked, with a smile.

“What speech!” askedCandidate One as he spat a large wad of paan right onto the floor of the stage and waved as the audience applauded his attempt at bravado.

“Will both candidates please come on the stage!" announced the moderator.

“One minute!” said both the candidates rushing off into the wings.

“Where have they gone?” asked the puzzled moderator.

“They are with the cameraman sir. Candidate One is promising him government contractsif he does not zoom in on his bald patch, whilecandidate two is slipping a two thousand rupee note into same cameraman’s hand to not zoom where his liver warts are! Ah, here they are sir."

The moderator beckoned them to stand on either side of him.“I will take the left side because according to my Vastu guruji it will bring me luck!” said Candidate One.

“My astrologer told me the same,” said Candidate Two, “Today is an auspicious day and according to his to his astrological charts, the moon casts its shadow on the right side, and that would be disastrous for me. I will stand on the left!”

“I want the left!”

“I want the left

"Gentlemen, gentlemen!”  shouted the moderator, “Please don't fight. You both may stand to my left.You may start sir!”

“Free electricity for everyone!” shouted the first candidate.

“Free water for slum dwellers!” shouted the second man not to be outdone.

“Free food for everybody!”

“Free loans for all. Give your vote, take your loan!”

The moderator banged his gavel. “What are you both doing?” he whispered, “This is supposed to be a debate!”

“We are debating!” said both the candidates.

Don't you both understand?” asked the moderator. “That if the public don’t know what you both have to offer, you both may not get any votes? They want to know what your foreign policy is? What your views are on inflation. On demonetization! They want a debate! They want to hear you!”

“No!” shouted the public who had come to watch, “We want to hear what we will get free! We want laptops, free weddings, free rations, free..”

“And who will pay for all this?” whispered my foreign friend.

“Nobody!” I told him, “The man who is the best liar wins,and like fools the people will give their votes to the most convincing of them!"

"The people are happy with false promises and pipe dreams!" said the moderator as he got off the stage and watched the two candidates cheered by their followers, “Debates are not needed in India..!”

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